It is seven years ago this month that I had my mental breakdown. My brilliant counsellor at the time told me she wasn’t surprised that I was severely depressed and suffering from panic attacks because as she said, “I’d had five years of vicarious trauma.”
I had thought that in becoming the CEO of the British Athletes Commission (now the BEAA) I had finally found my metier, a job I loved in the sports sector that I have been involved in all my life in one guise or another and now with an opportunity to make a difference. But the pressure of being a CEO and feeling responsible for the wellbeing of 1,500 Olympic and Paralympic athletes had gradually built up until it became overwhelming and I crashed.
I had to resign my post and with it came the fear that not only did I think I had lost my sense of purpose (dangerous in such a depressive state) but that I’d never get another job in sport again. Or any job for that matter.
The value of talking about my illness and having people around me who genuinely cared led to me setting up DOCIAsport – with two key drivers.
- ‘Take and give care’ – the strapline for the business. I knew to my own downfall that if you don’t look after yourself you are not able to be the best version of yourself.
- ‘Who’s looking after the people looking after the people?’ I was increasingly aware that administrators and coaches were, in many cases, vulnerable too and hiding behind masks because they also often felt isolated and lonely not knowing who to turn to and to trust.
I became the (or at least a) man who people turned to as the ‘sport and mental health guy’. I decided that I could take ‘advantage’ of being a man of a certain age with a Northern accent to speak about my mental illness. I felt that showing such vulnerability might help others start a conversation, if not with me then with others. I do believe this has worked and paid off. The rewards have been not just money (it helps) but an award or two (flattering) and most importantly the fact I have made a difference to a few people by helping them directly, or training mental health first aiders and making a contribution, however small, to changing the narrative in the sector.
But, until last year I too have hidden behind a mask or more fittingly perhaps a safety curtain – the corporate veil that is DOCIAsport. In 2012 I went from someone who had watched high performance sport from afar and looked up to the athletes in all sports as superhumans to being parachuted into being responsible for these same people; offering them advice, support, and guidance. I felt myself a fraud and suffered terrible imposter syndrome, lacking self-esteem and in many cases not welcomed by key people in the sector.
I set up DOCIAsport because I thought I had redefined my purpose – which is an important feeling to have when you are in recovery from depression to prevent a relapse. Fine, but as I set out to try to build the business I again was shrouded in doubt. Who would want to pay me to hear or read what I’d got to say?
So what happened last year? Well the tectonic plates that I had built the foundations of my life on shifted dramatically. But I was ‘lucky’ – actually it wasn’t luck; I had support from key people in my professional network who set me on a new path on my journey.
I was encouraged by Jacqui, the director of Lucid Direct and her colleague Kiah to write more for the DOCIAsport website they manage for me. I got the principle of ‘search engine optimisation’ but I really questioned them, and myself (again) as to who wanted to read what I had to say. They are formidable people, so I trusted their judgement and thought I’d give it a try.
Fortunately, I had also begun working with Richard Husseiny www.menbehindsport.com because whilst I knew I wasn’t mentally ill, I also knew things weren’t right and I needed help. (Top tip, if things aren’t great don’t try and ignore how you feel and don’t try to find the solution on your own. Talk. To someone you trust.)
Richard was that man for me. He gave me the safest place to talk. He listened to what I had to say, and I listened to myself too and, like my counsellor in 2017, he enabled me to work out that the answers came from within me, I just had to find them. One of the mistakes I have made in the past, and there have been plenty (but they are all part of the journey,) was thinking that once I had found the answers that was job done. Its not. Since last year with key members of my personal board to turn to I have continued to evolve, change as a person on the inside (but looking very familiar on the outside.) I am now continually asking myself more questions, finding some answers but not worrying if I can’t find them all because I know they’ll come when they are ready.
The high-performance sport sector is pretty clear in what success is. It’s medals, trophies, caps and almost by definition success is defined by your achievements being recognised. What about the consultancy sector? What does success look like there?
In the seven years of DOCIAsport I (yes me, not the company- for it / I am the same) have won a number of awards and most recently Corporate Livewire have made me their Innovation and Excellence Awards ‘Sport Consultant of the Year 2024.’ Well ‘The Chimp’ was getting very animated and asking me “Why you, when there are so many other worthy candidates in the sector?” But I think I have put him back in his cage and, again with the help of others, put this latest award into perspective. With regard to the award itself neither did I submit an entry personally nor did I judge the submissions. It is however good to be recognised by others, independently for the work I have done.
But for me The Long Win (a concept introduced by Cath Bishop OLY), my real success is my developing an ability to help others, often at times of trouble professionally, personally, or both and deliver what I truly believe now is my purpose. Coupled with this, with the help of Richard and others on my ‘personal board’ I have really begin to understand more about myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, proud of what I have done and to look forward to the uncertainty of the future not trying to control what is my destiny.